It's been four months, and somehow I am back.
I have been embarrassed to have my last post Headache as the prominent post of my blog for so long. But that embarrassment was fleeting feeling because I was suddenly so tired of feeling ashamed or unworthy, or confused about whether or not I have the authority to post my own point of view on my own blog.
Every so often, I have to rediscover myself and my motivations. Ergo, here I am.
It's taken months to gather the courage to post.
I have about a hundred draft posts sitting in Blogger, but for the first three months I couldn't even log in to my account. I was paralysed, petrified. Stone.
I didn't write for my blog, and I didn't read any other blogs. I was completely disconnected and that allowed me to breathe, reset my mindset, and reconnect. I started to miss the blogging world - typical. I started to get back into the swing of reading. I started drawing like crazy, too. I reformed my opinions on old topics and forged opinions on new ones. I suddenly had something to talk about again. I suddenly didn't feel worthless with my blog, a physical product of my mental efforts. I thought of my blog more and more often. I finally plucked up the courage to log in. But I didn't write anything.
Remember Karalan's Legacy?
Zuri has finished writing her book, and it'll be published any day now. That made me think more and more about my own novel, about my silent and raging Karalan waiting for me. She wants her story to be finished, and for the love of God, so do I.
Right now, I am supposed to be clearing my room. I am supposed to be booking a holiday to somewhere far away from this beloved crudbucket. To be washing my hair, which will make my arms ache once my dreads are full of water. To be stretching out my painful muscles. To be doing something else, a whole list of Something Else's. Instead, for some reason, I sat down at wrote this post in eight minutes.
I'm ecstatic. I'm back.
Blogging stopped being fun.
Do you know Paper Fury? Its creator, Cait, is one of the most incredible bloggers I have ever come across. She dwarfs the blogosphere with her unwavering passion and dedication to books - she read 300 books last year. I'm not joking, see her Goodreads.
Why am I saying this?
At some point along the way, I started to feel as though what I was doing was enough. At first it was fine - it just showed that I cared. But then I started to lose my soul - constantly trying to manage a post schedule and make my content engaging and to free, blogs hops, giveaways, tags, blogger awards, sweet but superficial things, trying to boost views, trying to boost comments, trying to churn out three posts a week, trying to cover all of subjects this blog covers - novels, films, comics, games, cartoons, anime, manga and artwork - to review every book I read on the same day; I was cracking under the strain that I put on myself.
The good news is that I pulled back, but the bad news is by the time I got there, I stopped caring about blogging.
Blogging is always the best at the beginning, before the feeling of inadequacy creeps and and you feel like you have to give so much just to stand on the same level as your peers.
Ashana Lian .
Guess what? I finally made a Facebook page.
You can guess what it's called, right?